Narcissistic Monster-giant

I’ve been meticulously going through the proofing, a chapter at a time, and finishing up other work for the month. I also decided to build a glossary for the book. I had no idea how long that was going to take.

I thought putting together the bibliography took a lot of time; the glossary was almost like writing another few chapters, or a long synopsis about the book. It’s something of 10 pages! With the references, Notes, copyrights, Table of Contents, and Acknowledgments, this book is going to be just under 400 pages. That includes six pages (three sheets) of pictures in the center. And I guess it depends on the font that’s used and the size. But I knew it was going to be up there.

So wouldn’t you know it, in a week’s time, I came up against a brand new dilemma. Of course! More than one, actually. It was just last week when I’d been all but set to publish with an independent publisher — at least 80% sure anyway. Still, 20% of me had doubts. So I continued to research more about self-publishing, which is an endless rabbit hole, or should I say, an onion that won’t stop peeling? And it’s not even your average onion either. This one has more layers I know what to do with. There’s so much information out there. There are so many scams, and lies, good advice, and intelligent options too. You have to dig, dig, dig to differentiate which side you’re reading and what’s in it for them in giving you this “free” advice.

Trust no one, right? Well, I can’t afford to.

Every time I go back to looking into the self-publish option, I get entirely overwhelmed. I practically freeze. Can’t move. I’ll even cry.

This last week wasn’t any different. I got so discouraged, I stepped back into the muck where I didn’t want to publish the book — at all. These past years, I’ve made this endeavor so much more important than anything else in my whole life, I’m just so fucking tired now. Why is this thing so important anyway? It’s not.

To be honest, this all came after someone called me a self-centered narcissist. Someone I don’t even know. Someone on a writer’s forum. And they are not wrong. It’s true, I am. But I don’t want to be. What better way to make the step toward not being one than to forget about publishing this book? So I was really considering this as a possible solution.

But of course, being the egomaniac that I am, it’s hard to throw away all these many years of hard work and struggle. And it’s especially hard to sign away all my rights to a publishing company, rights that would never revert back to me, including international rights, and media rights, in all territories. This is something I would more or less expect with one of the big publishing houses, but not an indy. And the more I thought about it, the more my narcissistic monster-giant grew and grew. He wanted to control everything! (Ha ha ha!) <– maniacal laughing.

I’ve mainly been reluctant to self-publish for a long time because I didn’t want to put so much time and energy into it, as that’s exactly what is needed. But, it’s actually no different, in fact, not a drop less energy than if an indy were to carry me, or even if a big publishing house published me. I’d get less money per book, too. If you had a huge publisher, you’d sell a lot more books, but get a lot less per book. An indy would give you more per book, but I’ve come to find out that there is not much more they can do for you that you can’t do yourself, except they can take about half your profit.

What’s stopping me from being my own indy? I have more than one book, and I have a couple of friends that write too.

So…I’m looking into it. Seriously. I’m creating a Business Plan while I wait to hear back from the two last publishers — one of them would change the game completely, but I’m certainly not counting on it.





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