More ups and downs, but I managed to finally leave the book alone, which means I am done with it. For now anyway. It’s basically out of my hands.
Now it’s with a copy editor, and that may take several months, perhaps to 2018. I’m not sure. Too long. Long enough for my depression to linger on because my excitement for the book is well over. The timeline I had in my mind and the fleeting goals that once glimmered have gone dark. I had to give up on all that or else I would never be able to go on. Seriously. This has been my main endeavor for a very long time and nothing has been more important to me.
Now that has changed. Now I am working on making it “unimportant,” which is difficult because it is my story. Not “a” story, my story. It almost doesn’t matter to me anymore if it’s badly written, which apparently, it is! (According to some). There’s been such an undercurrent of impatience building up inside of me that’s been making me want to puke and it’s made me a bit crazy too.
However, I have been working on putting all this out of my mind and it’s been teaching me a lot about “importance.” I’m realizing that my story is not so important that it needs to be published or available to everyone. I mean, why? Nor does my art need to be on display, or, for sale. Same kind of concept. And all of this has been making me question whether or not I even want to be part of the whole art business. I still don’t know what I am going to do on that front.
Seems I’ve already made a decision about grant writing. There are logistical reasons why, but I need to stop. Especially because I don’t even have a new body of work this year. I am waiting on a last answer on one last grant that I applied for in October 2016 – from the City of Los Angeles, known as the COLA Master Grant. I’ve applied for the COLA 12 years in a row. This was the last time I will applying. Not to be spiteful or anything. I will just never have the goods like I had for this last application cycle. Not again. So with that, if I’m still not a relevant artist to the City of LA, I’m done.
In the meantime, I have been working on some fiction pieces, for fun. Just private stuff for now that look like short stories. They’re all based on the same main character. I’m mostly just working on her character profile. She’s a complicated gender-queer person, based a bit on myself, but with elements of other people I’ve known.
So that’s about it for writing. I’ve been working on that, and also a little Artist’s book called The Spark.