Can’t or Won’t?

Looking back again, in the spring of 2012, I was contemplating a few different titles. I knew deep in my heart I wanted Shrapnel, but I had “Blast” and “Invisible Ink” as possibilities too. What was most interesting though was that I stated,

The book deals with so many subjects, I don’t know what section of the bookstore it will stocked in if it ever gets published, as it deals with abuse, neglect, family dysfunction, rape, molestation, drug abuse, emancipation, cults, rock n roll, bisexuality, gender identity, child labor laws, past lives, suicide, mental illness, disability, divorce, art, love, loss, death, religion, celebrities, sex, lies, blackmail, adultery, + + + … Personally, I think it should be in the Humor section.

I guess I think that’s pretty funny. Today anyway. I could use a laugh, wherever it comes from. I’m not feeling too hot. Not today. Not yesterday. My thoughts have been grim. Maybe it’s the holidays. Maybe it’s just the fact that I have been through all of the above and I still have not yet recovered.

That’s pretty sad. Pushing 50 and still feeling sorry for myself. It’s down right embarrassing. You’d think I liked in here in this hole – this bottomless pit. I swear, I don’t. I want out. I’m sick (and tired!) of being here. I even know exactly what needs to change to move forward. I need to love myself, forgive myself, get out of my head, and see my progress.

But I don’t know how, I won’t, I can’t, and I don’t.

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