Good n’ Tough

Well, it’s been a little while, hasn’t it? I’ve been thinking about writing in this blog for a while now and have been feeling hesitant/resistant/overly introspective and fearful to share, though, my intention is to continue to go on.

I can tell you where we are on the book front. Lisa is nearly finished with the entire first edit and I’ve been getting nothing but good news from her. It’s all been very encouraging, aside from a few big clusters of red-lining I’ll have to do on the re-writes – which I expected anyway. Nothing too overwhelming though. Nothing like I was stressing about or agonizing over. In fact, she’s told me several times now what a good writer I am and that’s just put me over the moon. I’ve circling the moon like crazy every time I hear from her as a matter of fact. Is it enough though? No. It’s never enough.

I’m still having a lot of ups and downs, mentally, regarding the publishing of the manuscript, and though I think that finishing it up may have catapulted me into a darker place, I was probably headed down that road anyway. Needless to say, it’s been making me think about a lot of things.

If anyone has read my Bloggie blog, I’ve been inferring that I’m slowing way the hell down on the art career front. That hasn’t changed. I’m still looking forward to when some of my art obligations are out of my hair and I can be free to have absolutely nothing ahead of me or on my plate. I know that’s what I need.

Handing the book over to Lisa did more than make me think about that though. It made me free too. Free of a lot of secrets and shame. But not about everything. When I say I’ve been in a dark place, It’s been blacker than black. However, I’ve been going to extra ordinary lengths to manage the situation. Some things are working, which is great. Some things are not working as well as others, but that’s okay too. I’m determined to keep trying.

It just sucks being fragile. Who wants to be that way? I want to be able to keep my cool and have visitors. I can’t do that right now. But I’m learning about myself right now. I need this time. I’ve always needed alone time, but I really don’t know how much of that time I have really used on reflection. I’ve usually done everything possible to stay completely busy so I didn’t have to face “reality.” And to tell you the truth, I don’t know what that is. I have hardly, ever known. I’ve been too busy distracting myself from it, or running away from it, falling asleep in it, joking my way through it, or floating above it. All of this is otherwise known as dissociation.

Like accepting “bipolar,” which took me a good 20 years or more, it’s taken me a few years to accept this diagnosis – and I have not quite accepted yet. I am still reading about it and trying to “debunk” it as a real thing. DDNOS is originally how I tested, but now I read that that might as well be “not yet” DID! Like I’m Carol, Fred, Bob and Nancy. Well, I’m learning that it doesn’t work quite like that. I read Sybil when I was about 15, so I was pretty scared of the whole idea of that sort of thing.

I suppose for some, it is extreme. And I’m not about to give the parts of me that have fragmented surnames or something, but I can’t lie and say I don’t recognize them specifically. I don’t think I will be “cured” of whatever this thing is until I find out which one of these parts is the genuine me, but I’m pretty sure it’s the crazy one, so what does it matter?

Author: Carol Es

was born, now here. will die.

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